Friday, November 19, 2004

Dear Diary Friday....


Had a wonderful evening last night. I went to the gym, then came home and raked up the yard to get ready for the snow. I then did a bit of cleaning, fed the animals, and then Helga and I worked on her commands. Dylan came home and we had soup and just relaxed together on the couch and talked and watched TV. I then took a quick bath, read a bit, snuggled into bed. It was just a relaxing, calm evening, and much needed.

This morning I got to work early and Sheri and I ran to get Del Taco for breakfast. You know it is going to be a good day when you start your morning out with a bean and cheese burrito from Del Taco!! I, unfortunately, forgot my glasses at home, so I am expecting some kind of headache by the end of the day. Speaking of the end of the day, Dylan and I are doing dinner with my boys, Chet and Shane tonight and I am really looking forward to it!!

Thursday, November 18, 2004

Dear Diary Thursday....

Mood....much, much better.

Well, I went home last night with the intention of just getting drunk....and I didn't. I got a cup of soup, grabbed a blanket, hit the couch and just vegged in front of the TV. I then got into a hot tub of water, soaked for 30 minutes, went to the bedroom and read. All the while, I just closed down my mind. Dylan was kind enough to just check on me every once in awhile, but gave me my space. After letting my mind turn to mush, I fell asleep.....a nice sleep with nice dreams. This morning I am feeling refreshed and more mentally alert. It will be an awesome day.

Tonight I plan on doing the gym, then coming home and doing a bit of cleaning and straightening up, and maybe even a bit of grocery shopping, but we will see. I have just a tiny bit of laundry that needs to be finished. Oh, and my "time" with Helga as well. I did spend some time with her last night and things seemed to be much better between us. She was still a very sorry dog and made every effort to let me know. I hope that she and I can keep working at her behavior and turn her into the angel I know she is.

Looking forward to the weekend!! I hope you are all as well.....

Wednesday, November 17, 2004

Dear Diary Wednesday...

Mood......not so good.

I had a really tough day yesterday. I got home from work and went to the gym with my mom, which was not a good experience. She is "standoffish" and "aloof" so I think she is upset with me, I just have no idea why and no desire to play games with her. I got through out work out, drove home in silence with her, and dropped her off. After I had got home from the gym, I found Helga had partially destroyed one of our sofa cushions. She knew what she had done was wrong, she was guilty and scared even before I had found the cushion. I was furious, and not in a good way. I picked up the pillow and proceeded to start hitting her with it and then got enough control over myself that I put her outside. And she stayed outside until Dylan got home. By the time he had walked into the house, my anger was still so out of control I had a migraine. I am not sure what my next step is with her, but I do know that she is staying away from me until I can start to like her again. And I think it is time I start looking into seeing another specialist for my anger issues.

Back in junior high and high school, I had some major anger issues. Not many people were aware of this, I was not very proud of it. I have a very short fuse, a very large temper, and very little control. With a lot of help, I learned to control my anger and keep it in check. Within the last several months, that tentative hold on that anger has completely been lost. I have moments of anger where I start to see the "red" seeping into the corners of my eyes and I have to remove myself from the situation and emotionally "shut down" to keep from spiraling out of control. And if you know me, the one thing you know is that I need to be in control at all times. This lack of control is driving me insane.

Needless to say, I woke up not in a good mood. I am not angry, I am exhausted, I still have a touch of the headache, and am just "sad" if that makes any sense. I am sure as the day progresses, things will be much better.

Tuesday, November 16, 2004

Dear Diary Tuesday....

Mood.....very positive!!!

After a full day at work, I headed home to feed the babies and then Dylan and I headed out shopping. We are trying very hard to be frugal so that we have plenty of money for Christmas, but do you know how hard that is when everything you see you want!! We then grabbed some Del Taco and headed home to crash in front of the was a wonderfully relaxing evening and we had a chance to just enjoy each other's company and talk. "Talking" has not been something he and I have been really good at lately, but we have re-opened the line of communication and are back on track with one another.

Christmas Dinner will be at our house this year with all of Dylan's family and all of mine. I am trying not to stress, as I know that it will work out and be fun. My only concern is getting his great grandmother down into our family room, where we are going to be putting up the tables for dinner, since it seems to be the most logical choice for the amount of people we will be having.
Oh, and my other dilemma is deciding if I am going to just put up one Christmas tree or three.....decisions, decisions, decisions.

I find it interesting that now that I am sharing a home with Dylan, I am really looking forward to Christmas. We won't be spending a lot of money on gifts this year, it is just the thought of decorating and enjoying such a significant holiday in our OWN HOME. I hope that this Spirit carries on with me for the remainder of the year.

And my weekend is already shaping up very, very nicely. We are having dinner with Chet and Shane on Friday and I just can't wait. It has been a long time since the four of us were able to sit down and really chat and re-connect and I know that we are going to have a great time.

Sunday, November 14, 2004

Dear Diary Sunday....

Mood.....tired but happy.

Friday was a lot longer than I thought it would be. When all was said and done, I was totally exhausted and ended up in bed by 7:30....asleep.

Saturday I woke up and Dylan and I went to breakfast at the IHOP where I proceeded to eat my weight in food and that was after going to Weight Watchers!!! It was not a good idea and I ended up being miserable all day and am still not feeling good this morning. After the feast, we did a bunch of running around and I got two new bras (YEAH) a "purse" for Helga to carry her own water and drinking dish and we just had a great time. We had an impromptu dinner with the Netzlers at Sweet Tomatoes and then headed home where I miserably fell into bed early again.

This morning I am up, showered, and feeling refreshed....but still not as healthy as I wish to be. We are planning on going to the "dog" park and then leaving the rest of the day up to chance. I am hoping we come home early to relax and watch a couple of movies, but we will see what happens.

Well-wishes and positive energy out to Dee....just have a feeling she is needing it. And much energy to Connie because she is in the midst of trying to schedule her surgery and not having a lot of luck......I know you can do it Constance. And much, much, MUCH energy out to Chet and Shane who are decorating their house and yard to the same extent as the LDS church decorate the Temple Grounds, but I think Chet and Shane are using more lights! You know I love you, my Boys!!!!