Here goes....

I hate you.

I hate what you have done to me.

I hate the fact that I cry ever day into work and every day home from work. I hate that I can't sleep because of my anger towards you. I hate that the first time I am going to meet your mom and your family is because of this selfish act. I hate that I can't eat anything and when I do, it doesn't stay in my body. I hate that I have to run and keep running because when I stop, I cry. I hate that you called me. I hate that you planned this out so perfectly. I hate what you have put your family and your friends through, and mostly, what you have put Jeffy through. I hate that you lied to me in so many ways. I hate that I am slamming the keys on this keyboard because I am so angry with you and crying at the same time. I hate that you had so much to offer the world, but you decided that you needed to take it away. I hate you because you were too selfish to stick it out with us. I hate you because you won't see me get married, grow old with Dylan. I hate that I will never see YOU get married. I hate you because you took everything away, you took yourself away, and now I can only think that everything you have ever said to me was a lie. I hate that because of you my coworkers, my friends, my family are WORRIED about me. I hate that people have seen a side of me that I never like to show....I am not soft by heart. I hate how you have made me feel. I hate that you didn't give me a chance to help. I hate you for not telling me the pain you were in right then. I hate you. I hate hating you.

I want to move past this, I KNOW I will move past this, but it is only going to take time.

I can still hear your stupid laugh, that stupid evil sigh you made when you were irritated, the feel of your damn hair and the feel of you when you will give me a hug. I can still hear you call me 'Rene. I hate it because it makes my cry even harder.

If the tables were turned, you would hate me too.

I miss you and will never forgive you, even though if you were here, I'd punch you in your face!!!!!

Again...

I'm fine.

Anyways, I wish I had something witty, or even mildly amusing that I could post here that would give us all a chuckle, but I don't. Work has sucked this week, home has sucked this week, life over all has sucked this week. I am still full of anger and rage, but I am moving into "flat affect" stage where I am shutting down completely. I think it is okay for now. I am putting all of my energy into Jeff at this point, doing what I can for him and his family....keeping that in mind is helping avoid...and I love to avoid if possible.

Really, I'm fine, quit worrying.

Things to Note......

1. New Zealand neighbors are back together
2. Dylan is pretty excited about the new job
3. No, I am not okay, I won't ever be okay, I don't want to be okay. Don't worry about me as I am strong. If I seem angry, don't take it personally, I don't mean to direct it at you. If I lash out, forgive me for I am angry, and not at you. If I get silent, don't worry, I am internalizing all that is in me now so I can STOP being angry and lashing out at everybody. I don't want to analyze it, I don't want it to go away, I don't care how long this last for me...just stop worrying. Remember, this is LORENE.....I will be fine.

Interesting.......

Let's start off with this.....UPDATE YOU FREAKIN' BLOG CONNIE!!!

Now that I have that out of my system...

Soooo, our New Zealand neighbors came over yesterday and I spent the afternoon with her, four out of five of her kids, four police officers, the paramedics, and the fire department. It seems that the large, testosterone "man" of the house does not believe that the "mother" should ever leave to visit her friends or family, that her place is in the house, and to prove that he likes to beat her up until she is unconscious in front of the kids! So, she came over, I calmly called 911 explained the situation and that there were children still in the house, they came, talked to everbody, got her taken care of, wrote him up a nice little FUCKING TICKET, told him he needed to leave, he left, the family went home, end of story. I was astounded and shocked! I thought for sure that the state would have stepped in and at least put him in jail for the night...stupid me. Thankfully, she went down and got a restraining order against him. He did come home late last night, long enough to pick up several bags of clothes she had prepared for him and had thrown on the drive way. Oh, and yes, I made sure that my presence was known when he came home....turned on the front porch light, turned on the lights in our front room and my bedroom light (which faces their driveway), opened up the front door and went outside and stood in the driveway staring at him until he left....total time for him to scurry his ass away was 8 minutes.

Anyways, had a wonderful time at the bbq at Dylan's.....food and flies galore! The food was spectacular and his aunt make a kick ass chocolate cheesecake!! Oh, and the Au Gratin potatoes his mom made...OH MY HELL! And his folks got me a new Living Dead Doll and a new Windstone Figure......how spoiled am I??????

Today, Dylan and I are going to the duck park, to Lowes for me to find tomatoe spray, to Petco, and various shopping and relaxing. It is sooooo nice to have "normal" Dylan back!