Dear Diary Saturday...

I am in more pain than I have been in many, many months. Not physical, just spiritual and emotional, and I don't see an end in sight for awhile. Therefore, if I am crabbier than normal, say horribly mean things, turn and bite when you come close, I apologize in advance. Ignore me, it will go away. The reason for the pain is that we put to sleep the bravest and most adorable creature in the world, an animal who came into this life with more roadblocks in front of him than was necessary. Little Squeaky passed away at 1:30 am this morning thanks to the wonderfully kind and compassionate people at Central Valley Veterinary Clinic.

Squeaky waited for me to come home last night. He ate, we cuddled on my bed, loved and I mothered him...kissed and cooed and kept him warm. He decided to sleep on his own bed and the next thing that happened, without going into so many details, is that he had four seizures that took him away mentally from me, but his body kept fighting. I held him while he seizured, as they were coming so quickly and I wanted him to be safe, loved, warm and hopefully, pass in my arms being surrounded by the same loved I have shown him. Unfortunately, he would not let go of his body. So, my mom and I drove to Central, where they euthanized him, letting me know that he probably was born with a congenital defect that caused the seizure.

I will be okay, please do not worry. I have cried more in the last 9 hours than I even want to speak of, but I know that I did everything right. In his one week with me he has visited the vet twice, has had the most expensive cate food, has had home made cat food, had his own warming bed, stuffed animals, kitty toys and "private" litter box. He was cuddled, cooed to, played with, held while he slept, bottle fed, and most importantly, loved by each and every member of my family and my "extended" family. I know I did everything right and in the end, made the most loving choice. However, I am hurting, I am in pain, and I feel like a worthless soul, just because that is the type of person I am. Regardless of the cause, I blame myself, and will for awhile, even though I know it is irrational. The death of an animal causes me much more pain than anything else because they are such small, unprotected creatures who rely on us to care for them. They are little souls who give love without conditions, even to those people who hurt them, they still love. And for an animal to have everything against him from the moment he entered our realm, just seems incredibly cruel and unfair.

I hate Christmas and it is events like this that remind me, year after year, why I hate Christmas so much. I also can not practice my Craft for a little while as I am not sure how I feel about any Gods or Goddess that can look upon such a sweet and gentle creature as Squeaky was and turn away.
I will be okay.....

Dear Diary Thursday....

Oh my gosh! I am so tired I could sleep on a bed of nails and be comfy! We had our company Christmas party, which was very nice, and we got to leave early, which was even better. The only downside is the fact that by the time I left I had such a migraine that I wanted to scream. I had to stop on the way home to pick up my dad's Christmas present and then came home to take care of my baby, who is doing very well and is very ornery, which is adorable. I still have the damn migraine, but hopefully a nice hot bubble bath and going to bed early will help out a great deal. Oh, and sleep, much needed sleep. Getting up ridiculously early every day is not doing the body good. Also, looking at the MOUND of Christmas gifts that I need to wrap is doing not so much for me either. Oh well, it is almost here and almost over with, and that makes me happy. And can you believe I still have not finished decorating?? We just fished out the rest of the decorations that we will be putting up and hopefully, by Saturday, all will be decorated, I will have started my wrapping, the shopping will be complete. Oh weekend, where are you???

And can I also just say that a very special man in my life is going to get such a pinch when I see him for making me cry because I was all worried about him, just to find out he is alright....yep, a huge pinch is a coming......

Dear Diary Wednesday....

Update on the Squeaky...we went to the vet yesterday as he became very lethargic on Monday and pretty much would not eat or drink anything, unless forced, which is hard to do on a four week old kitten. My vet checked him over and de-wormed him and his temperature is fine, but she stated he is VERY malnourished and VERY dehydrated and probably going from very little, to no food, to food has thrown his system into shock, so this is normal behavior and it will even out, I just have to be patient. Oh, and she also told me to quit worrying over the amount of time he slept as that is NORMAL. Okay, mother hen in me has forgotten how much work and how much SLEEP kittens require! So, I came to a decision that no matter what he WANTS, he will eat and he will drink! So I started a regime of force feeding, via syringe his baby cereal and cat food. He is actually looking much better today, but pretty much hates me. I don't even care if I make him as insane and as fat as my devil cat, Tigger, it is worth it. Oh, and I also gave that to my case office with animal abuse, but unfortunatley, because it is just my word again the the pet shop AND nobody saw it but me, all they can do is write up the report, visit the pet store AND talk with the owner, which my case officer sounded pretty happy to do because he was very upset over the story I had to tell him, especially with back up from my vet.

Today is a Christmas shopping day, and hopefully the last. I have all of the stores written down on where I am going, what I am getting and then I should be done. I am actually looking forward to it as I finally have SOME Christmas spirit. The snow is helping a great deal, and so is having the house decorated, even if it is only half way decorated.

Friday is shaping up nicely. I will be going to see "Two Towers" with my sexy man, Toni and Robert, Jeff and Chris and friend. Dylan has been BEYOND excited for this movie, so his boyish delight will be well worth any line we have to endure. Plus, hanging with friends has, once again, become a favorite hobby. With my change in attitude, weeding out of problems, life has a new energy and a new glow. I probably now just jinxed it, but........

Dear Diary Monday....

What a whirlwind weekend! Friday, I left work early to spend some much needed time with Dylan. We did some Christmas shopping, went to dinner, had just a wonderful time together until we stopped at a pet store we sometimes visit where I watched a woman horribly abuse a 4 week old kitten who was already starving because, apparently, this pet store did not stock cat food to feet the kittens! Needless to say, and without going into detail because it makes me tear up and bawl, I now am the mama to a 4 week old kitten named Squeaky who is too adorable for words. I fell apart on Saturday, blubbering uncontrollably and so my mother, the saint she is, insisted we go and get the kitten. My daddy then had to console me, over and over again because I kept breaking out into sobs trying to explain WHY we now have 11 cats!

Saturday was wonderful, besides getting a new kitten, with hanging out with everyone at the Christmas party, organized once again by the Fabu Toni! Thank you Toni for another wonderful and interesting evening!!!!

Sunday was pretty uneventful. My stomache was acting up thanks to a very stressful (if not self induced due to the lingering thoughts of the kitten) and a the ultra rare prime rib I had on Friday. So, I did a whole lot of nothing but taking care of Squeaky, which is a full time job by the way.

I have discovered something....I am a HUGE softy, who cries easily, wears her heart on her sleeve. I did not use to be this way, when I was cold, bottled up, self involved, and heartless. Fortunately, or unfortunately, Dylan has forced me over the years, to be a more open and honest person, not only with others but with myself. And with the work I have been doing on myself of late, the being honest to the point of painful with others and myself, working on my ability to love myself regardless of my faults, and weeding out many "problems" in my life, I have been a ultra loving, obnoxiously caring human being. Not too sure if I like this change now...I can be too easily read! The other change I am not sure if I am liking is allowing other people to defend me....that is a new one as well. Hmmm.......will have to keep you posted on these events as they are subject to change if I can't get them a little more under control!