Dear Diary Saturday...

Work has been insane, but enjoyable, as sick as that sounds. I have pulled my hair out, thrown tantrums, screamed, said many,many cuss words, have gone home each and every night exhausted, thrown myself into bed, and fallen asleep with a smile on my face. I am back into my element, I have my energy back, I am balanced again, and I feel better. I think making it through Christmas with the pain of losing a close friend this year, feeling my energy draining each and every day, losing a small and beautiful creature, has forced me to become a stronger peson, and now I know why. The "Fates" were preparing me to be stronger to help others out that are in far more pain than I am. I'm back, and watch the fuck out!

Anyways, last night Dylan and I went to dinner, both in very foul moods and ended the evening in laughter and holding one another. It is almost frightening how we are so in tune with each other that we now need to be AROUND each other to rejuvenate our energies. Yucky, yucky love thing I guess!!

Have also come a new pact with myself...I don't NEED to have people in my life, even they may be friends a century old, who are always "all about themselves", butting themselves into where they are not wanted, can not allow me to have relationships without throwing themselves into the relationship as well, and bitching about my decision behind my back. That will no longer be allowed. I feel better for this decision. I have struggled, built, and hardened many relationships this year, new and old, and am very happy with a great deal of them. Case in point...new relationship with JJ that I could not be more thrilled about......old relationship with Jeffy that gets stronger and stronger every day. Both are rewarding and educational and, most importantly, revitalize my energy with every contact. I love those type of people. Those that do nothing but suck the life out of a room, regardless if I am there are not, will be removed. Yeah for me for having my balls back!!!!

Part Deux of Christmas.....

So, I spent all day cooking a 20 plus pound turkey, stuffing, yams, potatoes, salad, all the fixings and there were THREE, yes take your shoes off and count along, 3 of us for dinner. Everybody else had to leave, had to do this and that, so there is now more food in my house than could feed a large Asian community and that is not an exaggeration. I am frustrated and annoyed. I am now to the point that I am going to lay down on the ground, and hopefully receed so far into my unconscious that I never emerge. I want a fugue state....look it up if you don't know what it is.

Anyways, the good news is that this day is ALMOST over with and most of my family has come and gone. Dylan will be coming over tonight to immerse himself in my splendid attitude. I will try to be better when he comes, but I doubt I can pull myself out of this. I have felt this state of "blueness" coming on for awhile and I have tried and tried to fight it, but with the passing of Squeaky, that was literally the last straw. I am not fighting anymore. I am going to allow it to wash over me and do what it must. There has to be a reason for it and it must need to run some course. I guess the best way of explaining it is that I just don't care anymore.

Is it a sick thing that I am excited to go back to work tomorrow???

Dear Diary Christmas....

Well, at least there is snow on the ground, I guess that should help a little bit.

Merry Christmas everyone.

Dear Diary Tuesday...

The pies are made, the candy is made, the house is clean, the presents are wrapped and decorated, and it is almost over and I could not be more grateful. That is a horrible feeling, but I can not stand Christmas this year. There is no snow, I have not watched ONE Christmas show, I hated shopping ( which says a lot for me) and nothing but horrible things have happened all year long. The only happiness I have encountered is that my friendships have grown much, much stronger and I had an opportunity to bring a new person into my life, who I appreciate each and every day for her sarcasm, intelligence, and wit. Other than the friendships and love, I have hated this year completely and Christmas is just the rotten cherry on top. However, with that being said, I am not at all in a bad mood about it, just grateful it will be over soon. And then we can move on to New Years and hopefully, a much, much better year.

Update: If you have not been to Scott's blog lately, there is a wonderful note on his last post from a gentleman named Tim. I sent Tim a short note to say thank you for such a wonderful post that he put on his blog. If you get a chance, go and visit Scott's and link to Tim's from there.

Oh and MERRY CHRISTMAS, HAPPY WINTER SOLSTICE, and for my favorite athesist....HAPPY FUCKING WHATEVER YOU WANT IT TO BE, TONI.....

And Jeffy, Merry Christmas......hee hee hee hee hee hee

Dear Diary Monday...

It was a wretched, horrible weekend. Every other moment I was very blue and tears were streaming down my face. I have visited his little grave a few times, I'm not sure why. However, I think it is a little easier now. I had a number of people at work ask me about him and when I told them what I did, each and every single one of them has said the same things as Dylan....he was lucky to have known the love and caring that I gave, he died with peace and surrounded by love, I was "humane". The first couple of times I had to bite my wicked tongue because of the venom I wanted to spill about how I feel like a horrible person, how I feel that I let him down, how I hate all of the Gods and Goddesses in the universe for not coming to my aid. But with each person and each sentiment, it started to sink in a little bit and I felt a bit better. I know I will still be blue, especially when Christmas does arrive, but I know it will be easier.

Work was insane today. I have so many people out on vacation, including two on my research team, that I had barely any time to play around, which was a real bummer, since the "Pitboss" was calling me into her office every 20 minutes to just bullshit! However, I accomplished quite a lot and left work today feeling very good about my desk and other folks' desk that I am tending too.

Go Bill! Good to hear that Jeffy's brother is out of the hospital and on his way to a full recovery!! Last thing the Vice family needs is to be spending Christmas at the hospital beating the hell out Bill for being....how do I phrase this...."not so smart" about taking care of himself?????