Dear Diary Saturday.....

Wow, it has been an amazingly bad week! I have had some major insight on myself and some "clarifying" due to a friend, whom I thank very much. I am stuck. I am back to grieving about two people in my life that I thought I had worked through,yet have discovered I have only placed the hurt deep inside of me because I was not willing to deal with the pain or, this is worse, wanting to let go of their memory due to guilt. Guilt over the kind of friend I was and the kind of friend I should have been. Due to all of this pain, I have been folding myself up, tucking all of the emotions, all of the energy, all of my love, deep inside of me....essentially turning myself off. I have been toxic, especially to myself. In all of this, I have been trying to help others, which probably has done more harm than good. So this weekend, is my weekend. My weekend to sift through the issues in my heart and handle them and to let them go. Not to forget, but to realize that no matter what I think now, things can not be changed. Hmmmm...food for my thought.....
The sad part is that I am too a point right now that I have nothing to give others, so when somebody comes to me with a "Did I do something to make you mad/hurt you?" I can only weakly say, "You did nothing" and leave it at that. I don't have the energy to soothe their pain, to comfort them in their own self made chaos, and I can't say that I don't care about their pain, I just don't want to care about their pain right now. I am here for ME right now.....

Saw "Harry Potter" last night and it was amazing. Had a wonderful dinner with Dylan and then we went window shopping for a little while and then saw the movie. I actually enjoyed it every bit as much as the first one, but it was much more scary. I definatly would not recommend it for children!!

Today I will be decorating the outside of the house for Christmas. If you know me, you know I don't like Christmas. I have been trying and trying for years to enjoy it more and this year will only be slightly different in that respect. I am going to try harder.

Dear Diary Wednesday continued.....

So, I got a flu shot and I cried BEFORE I EVEN HAD THE SHOT! It was so embaressing, but I had Sheri rubbing my back and telling me everything was okay and Raphael holding my ever lovin' shaking hand and cooing at me that I was going to live. No I feel like shit, my arm hurts, and I think I have managed to produce a small rash around it! Hmmm....maybe the flu would have been better.....

Anyways, just had a short visit from the magical cheesecake fairy....Toni, Rob, and BEAR (Bear being the cheese cake fairy). I am not suppose to have a taste until tomorrow as it needs to set...like THAT happened! It is absolutely delicious! The cheesecake is an "exchange program" that we have going with the Netzler/Capitano residence. We have been delivering fruit cakes to Toni's grandma for a few years because she likes them (go figure) and now I get cheesecake! The Gods and Goddess have blessed me with good friends who know how to make baked cheesecake!!!

Dear Diary Wednesday....

Mood today? Much, much better! It is a wonder what waking up headache free after having a headache for two weeks can do for my mood. Anyways, I am not grouchy today, just incredibly busy, but around here at work, they believe it is the same thing. Oh, and not only am I doing a little of everyone's job, I have suddenly also become "The Master of All Computer Knowledge".....and for somebody to believe that I know how to fix a computer, they apparently don't understand how deep these blond roots run!! Here is the scenario..."Lorene, my computer won't turn off, it is acting weird, I don't know what to do?" Lorene's answer.."See the button there that is turned on to GREEN, press it and it turns the computer OFF and then turn it back on and see if it is all better!" Yeah, not very technically geeky, but that is the way I am!

Okay, back to the pet peeve of co-workers and friends trying to get you interested in their "exciting business opportunity". I have come to discover that if a friend or a co-worker puts me into such an uncomfortable position as trying to sell me on something, I will terminate or friendship (for those that are friends) and for the co-workers, I will now make your life as uncomfortable as you made mine. And God help you if you come back with the response of "Well, you know it is YOUR LOSS!" Oh that pisses me off!! And on the same note, if, as a friend, you have complained to me about how much you hate people approaching you with "business opportunities/pyramid schemes" and then you act like a buffoon about it when it is being done to you, don't expect me to feel sorry for you.

Dear Diary Tuesday....

Mood today? Beyond bitch. I don't want to talk about it, don't e-mail me. I am just in a funk today, started last night, and I have no sense of humor at all. A lot of things have begun to overwhelm me and I think I just woke up on the wrong side of the bed. So if I tell you to FUCK OFF, don't take it personally, or DO take it personally as I probably won't care tomorrow either.......

Dear Diary Monday....

Well, the officer killed in West Jordan, Ron Wood, is the big brother to my favorit in-house processor, DeAnne. What a horrible thing for her, her family, and his wife to be going through. It brought up bad, bad memories and feelings that I don't like to discuss or to experience, all over again. Send her your prayers and your blessings as I know she is going to need them. Oh, and did anyone watch the news and notice the park where Office Wood was killed? Yep, that would be the park by Jer and Michelle's Grandma's that we play in!!!!

Jeff is doing well after the "parting of the ways" with his girlfriend. They are on good terms, staying friends, but leaving it at that. Don't weep for him but don't try to set him up either! MY HELL!!! The boy needs some space from women (I don't count as I am not quite human) so just send him good vibes and nasty e-mail jokes!!!

Oh! Discovered a HUGE pet peeve of mine......friends and co-workers who try to get you involved in their pyramid schemes, or as they like to call them, "investment opportunities". Now, both Toni and I have worked around MANY, as I am sure you all have, people have these wonderful "opportunities" that they want you involved with. When they pitch the sale and you are not interested it always ends up with them saying something like, "Well, you know it is YOUR loss!" Okay, that is beyond fucking irritating!! But when it is a friend, what an awkward situation to put a friendship in!!! My rule is YOU NEVER PULL A FRIEND INTO A MARKETING SCHEME!! If you are involved in something like that, left handedly mention it to your friend, if they are interested THEY WILL FUCKING ASK YOU FOR MORE INFO!!! But for a friend or a co-worker to try and pitch you something like this, whether it is at work or over dinner, is completely awkward, and in my opinion WRONG! Okay, I feel much better now......

Dear Diary Sunday.....

The move for JJ was successful, but exhausting! For some reason, I thought this move would take maybe, 3 hours, stupid me! She and Brad had the entire house already boxed up, ready to go, but MY GOD! There was a lot of stuff to move!!! However, I did get the opportunity to see JJ's new (old) home and I love it and the views that she has is spectacular. However, it is at the butt end of Tooele and so I would never move there as 1) too fucking far, 2) there are NO street lamps on the roads going to her house and it is in the middle of hillbilly country and it is DARK, 3) cold, my hell COLD, and 4) did I mention hillbilly country?? Anyways, it was a fun day, meeting all of the new people was wonderful AND JJ's cat likes me!!!

So, today was shopping day with the folks. We went to Fred Meyers, had a great time but for one moment which I don't feel like discussing as it involved tears, went and walked around Trolley Squares and visted my two favorite stores....Williams Sonoma and Restoration Hardware! I am now fully prepared to make my Thanksgiving Feast this year thanks to the Williams Sonoma store (turkey base gravy, potato ricer, cranberry orange relish, and a whole bunch more) and now looking forward to it. Now I am home and attempting to start my ridiculous amount of laundry.

Oh, and also, Jeffy and the girlfriend are cooling things WAY down so Jeffy AGAIN can be considered "single". All for a vast variety of good reasons and he is not sad, so no need to console him or send him love notes.