Saturday, December 07, 2002

Dear Diary Saturday.....

Had a very busy week. My boss left on vacation early Wednesday, and all hell broke loose after she walked out the door. Two people, who already have an attendance issue, both had to "leave early" on Wednesday because of their children. Thursday, I had one of the two call in sick. Friday was just chaotic. With my boss being gone, and it being the end of the year, I am trying to do my job, my bosses job, help the Pit Boss out with several major problems that have come up, AND help one of the other researchers because she left early on Friday for a much deserved weekend getaway. Then I get together with Dylan on Friday night and our evening didn't exactly turned out the way either one of us planned, but it was nice to be together. The one thing that I did notice this week is that my mood has gotten darker and bleaker with each passing day, culminating in one of the worst depressions I have ever experienced from the moment I woke up this morning. Fortunately it has passed, as I would hate it for dampen my evening with the Netzlers, but I think I have maybe rooted out the problem. If you offend easily, don't continue on further:
1. I miss Scott....there I have said it. Scott and I had an extremely close relationship, one where we IM'd several times every day, usually starting with him in the morning when he awoke, then before he ran to school, then as soon as he got home from school, and before I went home. Then you top that off with our e-mails and reading each other's was close. I had come to call him my "big brother". Thankfully, I can say that one good thing has come out of such a horrible relationship with Jeffy has only grown stronger and healthier. So, because I won't have the surly bastard Scott around for Christmas, that makes me sad and I will be stronger for it. Like I once said to a very close and loving friend of mine, "that which does not kill us, makes us stronger." Time to listen to my own advice.
2. I have been INUNDATED by people, family and friends, attempting to place a guilt trip on me. What astounds me is that everyone, and I mean EVERYONE, knows that a guilt trip is something one should never try with me. I will not be guilted, I will become VERY pissed off, and I will lash out. Don't guilt me over my friendship with you, how much I love you, how much I care about you or anyone else.
3. I despise the fact that some folks believe that I speak for myself and Dylan, myself and my family, myself and my co-workers, myself and my friends. I speak for NO ONE but myself, plain and simple. Do not assume what comes out of my mouth is the opinion of anyone BUT ME!
4. I do not have to be friends with everyone, even if it is somebody I had been friends with for years. Friendships fade away, and I do allow that to happen when it has become nothing but a sucking black hole. Don't try to come to the rescue of "said friendship" when it is not your concern at all. That also goes for my family. I have family members that I have no contact with. I don't want contact with them. Stay the hell out of a situation that is none of your business.
5. If I choose not to share my opinion with you, or give you advice, there is a reason. Either my opinion is so evil that I am trying to save your feelings OR I am not sharing my advice with you because you have either a. hurt my feelings in the past with snide comments about where I "get off giving anyone advice" or b. I know that my advice is wasted words.
6. You are not a friend when you only communicate with me when you need something or it is time for the holidays.
7. My friends are precious to me, and I will fight to the death for them. Therefore, I don't consider anyone I just met, people I work with on a daily basis, folks I meet at the check out counter to be "friends". I don't treat the friends that I have as tick marks on my wall....I don't wear a badge that says, "She who dies with the most friends win!" It takes a lot to earn my friendship, and it should take a lot for me to become somebody's friend.
8. I am tired of always being concerned about other's feelings and the amount of time I spend with people. I need time for me, and I am taking it. If you can't handle me asking for a "raincheck" on a dinner inviation or ANY invitation, you need to look at what is wrong with you, not what is wrong with me.
9. Guaranteed....if I just don't LIKE you or just plain HATE you, I promise YOU WILL BE THE FIRST TO KNOW. I not only will glare at you, I will never speak to you, make you feel completely uncomfortable and I be happy to tell you how much and why I don't like you.
10. If you have a question, concern, or a problem with me...ASK ME! Don't go to my friends, don't go to Dylan, don't go to my family....ASK ME! I promise, if you go around to everyone else, it will get back to me and I will be offended and hurt you couldn't just ask me direct.

Okay, that is much better.

By the way, don't forget to tell the old woman hag, TONI, happy birthday on Monday......hee hee hee hee hee hee hee hee!

Monday, December 02, 2002

Dear Diary Monday....

Made it into work at my usual early hour, accomplished a great deal, was in a fine mood, until I get a call from home. I won't go into specifics but I had a call stating one of my cats was being taken to the vet (she has a sinus infection is fine, no need to worry) and a demand for me to leave early to go to the vet. UNFORTUNATELY I can not just get up out of my chair, TELL my boss I am leaving and expect to have a job the next day. So, I get home, the folks are at the vet, they get home about 20 minutes after me and I am told that they had asked my older brother to drive them there but then felt guilty because he had just got home from work, was tired, had barely eaten, blah blah blah. So, it is okay to try and lay a guilt trip on me but feel guilty about asking him. Explain this to me?

There are a few other things bothering me now, but I am going to sort through those and see what I can do about them.....

Life is funny....right at the moment you think things are going swimmingly, Fate throws in a little "experience" for you to learn from...some are not so easy to handle and are painful to learn, especially when they concern friends. Oh, and speaking of friends....I am going to dinner with Dee next Monday and get to hear about her exciting trip with her sister! That, I am looking forward too!!

Oh, and I almost forgot....please do not forget to wish Rob a happy b-day tomorrow, Dylan's mom a happy b-day on Friday, and Toni a Happy Old Person Day on the 9th!!!!

Sunday, December 01, 2002

Dear Diary Sunday...

Today was wonderful and relaxing. The folks and I went to breakfast then we needed to go and pickup a book my mom had ordered, then we went to two different craft stores so that we could get the fixings for wreaths. We make holiday decorated wreaths for the graves of our family and friends that have passed every year...this year it will be somewhere between 15 and 20. It is a tradition that my dad and Uncle Verne started and now my daddy and I continue doing. It usually takes us two days to do the decorating and one day to place them. All in all, it is a nice time to spend with my daddy. We then came home and had dinner...that is the entire Sunday wrapped up. I use to hate Sundays, now I look forward to them as the day that I can do things I want to do for me.....either resting or cleaning or shopping....whatever strikes me as the thing to do. I am sure that the next few Sundays will be spent Christmas shopping, but that is something I enjoy so no loss.

Busy week has already started. Dylan's mom's birthday is Friday, then going out to dinner with the Netzlers on Saturday to celebrate their combined birthday (Rob's is actually on Tuesday and Toni's is actually on the 9th but any excuse to have dinner with the Netzlers!). Sunday, probably Christmas shopping. Not sure when we are planning the birthday dinner for Dylan's mom, but I am not too stressed since we have had her gift for about two months now!!!!

My thought of the week: a friendship is built on love, honesty, compassion, and the mutual desire to learn and grow. Anything that stagnates or suffocates is not a friendship, it is imprisonment.