Dear Diary Wednesday...

Mood......not so good.

I had a really tough day yesterday. I got home from work and went to the gym with my mom, which was not a good experience. She is "standoffish" and "aloof" so I think she is upset with me, I just have no idea why and no desire to play games with her. I got through out work out, drove home in silence with her, and dropped her off. After I had got home from the gym, I found Helga had partially destroyed one of our sofa cushions. She knew what she had done was wrong, she was guilty and scared even before I had found the cushion. I was furious, and not in a good way. I picked up the pillow and proceeded to start hitting her with it and then got enough control over myself that I put her outside. And she stayed outside until Dylan got home. By the time he had walked into the house, my anger was still so out of control I had a migraine. I am not sure what my next step is with her, but I do know that she is staying away from me until I can start to like her again. And I think it is time I start looking into seeing another specialist for my anger issues.

Back in junior high and high school, I had some major anger issues. Not many people were aware of this, I was not very proud of it. I have a very short fuse, a very large temper, and very little control. With a lot of help, I learned to control my anger and keep it in check. Within the last several months, that tentative hold on that anger has completely been lost. I have moments of anger where I start to see the "red" seeping into the corners of my eyes and I have to remove myself from the situation and emotionally "shut down" to keep from spiraling out of control. And if you know me, the one thing you know is that I need to be in control at all times. This lack of control is driving me insane.

Needless to say, I woke up not in a good mood. I am not angry, I am exhausted, I still have a touch of the headache, and am just "sad" if that makes any sense. I am sure as the day progresses, things will be much better.