Saturday, January 03, 2004

Dear Diary Saturday...

Call me strange, but I love waking up to very dark skies and a hint of bad weather in the air. I love it because I don't have to worry about the sun blinding me while driving, giving me a headache, and it is a chance for me to wrap myself in a blanket with Dylan and we can snuggle. However, we are shopping first, then snuggling.

This week has been a good one so far. The stoploss hell ended for me on Wednesday when I left work 1 hour early. Thursday I ended up staying home the whole day and doing laundry and just relaxing. Yesterday I spent the day shopping with my mom and then going to dinner with Dylan, getting some fabulous deals on my bras that I love so much and then called it an early night. Today, again I state I woke up to perfect weather, and have already gone to feed the cats that I am caring for, cleaned up my room, balanced my check book, and am now relaxing. Dylan and I will be getting together to do some more window shopping, having dinner, and watching the two new movies that I have..."The Order" and the "League of Extraordinary Gentleman." Tomorrow, I am spending the day with my daddy, putting all of the Christmas stuff back into storage. Then hopefully, we can get the greenhouse up.

After this year, I have come to realize some stuff that I normally would find disturbing, but now I take with a grain of salt in most situations. I discovered that a friend of many years, who I thought would be by my side during anything and everything, is not who I thought this person was. When getting my feelings hurt, I normally would have turned to thoughts of how to get this person back but with my age, I have discovered other things. I am alright with keeping this individual at an arm's length, because it was not me that caused the pain to the friendship, it was something within this individual who decided to harm it. Maybe in years, the relationship could blossom again.

I also discovered that when ending another relationship, I was not a nice person and I regret not being nice, but not ending the relationship. I honestly, in my heart, wish that person all the happiness that the Universe can give. That individual is making huge changes in their lives, POSITIVE changes, ones that I think should be applauded for, in the large scheme of things, that individual was a remarkable person to have had in my life. Many things were taught. However, the friendship was not meant to be, as it was caustic, full of venom, and would have become uglier. Earlier in my life, when such a turmoil had happened, again, I would have turned to thoughts of how to hurt this person, now I only wish them love if they are able to move on peacefully. Maybe in years, the relationship could blossom again.

One friendship has evolved from dishonesty, to acceptance and love. A friendship that was strong, but not on a sturdy base. Now there is a stronger friendship because of the fact that both of us realize the weakness and strengths of the other person and love them for it. That relationship HAS blossomed and I thank the adversities that came into play for bringing it to fruition.

Four friendships have evolved more but that was expected. One is my eternal friend...Fiery and fierce. One is calm, collected, a sense of balance and reason, and damn hilarious when drunk. One is my male "self", able to hold me and kiss me as a best friend, make me glow from inside, share my energy and the bond we have. One is my "Tower of Power", the brother I always wanted to have but never did.

One friendship has stayed the same, my best friend and my life long companion. The man who never ceases to amaze me with his strength, his intelligence, who desire to do right by me, the man who I feel safe with and am honored to share the rest of my life with.

I guess I am just lucky to have had so many friends come and go, to have learned so much by each, to take the experience and the learning to grow. I love aging....It is like waking up to a dark and stormy day.....

Tuesday, December 30, 2003

Dear Diary Tuesday...

This week has been FUN! Yesterday I came in to work, and thank you to Toni for the forewarning, to a building that had been without power AND heat since the snowstorm on Thursday! We had power, but still NO HEAT! It was unbearable, as we actually had a thermometer reading it at 36 degrees! The "Powers that Be" finally decided to send us home t 1:00.

Today was a fabulous AND entertaining day! Connie and Toni had me giggling quietly to myself all day with their witty commentary regarding life. And this finally week has not been as hellacious as I thought it was going be. And the best part? I only have one more day of work! YAY FOR ME!

In looking to the future year, I have decided to make some resolutions and to share them:
1) Going back to the gym and I can't wait!!! I was thinking about changing gyms and then I thought about it and decided WHY! I love my gym, it is close to home, there are fantastic people that go there AND I can be amused with most of the idiots!
2) WEIGHT LOSS! Or actually, looking out for my better health. I made an appointment with a new doctor today (again, thank you Tonster) and will be seeing her in late January. I liked my old doctor, but I have some things that I want to start checking into that will help with the better health. I am also going to be paying closer attention to what I eat and being a lot more active.....see #1
3) Attitude! I have always prided myself in the fact that I have a strong personality, but I need to work on the attitude.....Especially when it comes to me. I have a ridiculously low opinion of myself, some have even suggested I see counseling for it, but there is nothing that a doc can do for me that I can't do for myself.
4) Friends! I LOVE my friends, each and every one for their specific and unique traits.....Regardless of how they can annoy the holy hell right out of me. I am thankful for those friends that have come and gone (and especially thankful for some that are GONE) because they have taught me so much and, for the ones still in my life that will always be in my life and in my heart, they love me for who I am, what I will always be, and accept me.

I am working on a few more, but I think that is good for now.

Again, thanks Toni and Connie for keeping me amused, keeping me on track, pulling my head out, and kicking me in the ass today. It is always so wonderful to be reminded of how lucky I am to have you two as friends, and how long we have been friends, with everything we have had to go through. Sometimes wading through the "shit" together makes you come out stronger. Funny that "shit" comes in so many forms......