Friday, August 09, 2002

Great day.....

First time in awhile that I was able to say that.

I listened to Scottie's voice mail message to me again last night, him wishing me a happy b-day, and it didn't make me mad, angry....nothing but just an overwhelming amount of love and the emotion I will call "missing hims". I am finally there....missing him more than I can ever recall missing somebody. However, I know he is around me, I know he watching, I know he is keeping an eye out and will give me a kick in the ass that I need to keep going....if Dylan or his brother doesn't get to me first in those times.

Work was great today. I was busy, but not hectic. My supervisor is going on vacation, so I expect only the worse next week. And Toni and Rob came in and brought Bear....who managed to pee on the Pit Boss and I made sure that the entire company was aware of that!! That was a great laugh.

And the weekend is shaping up nicely. Dylan and I are going to devote all the time we can this month to being together, since in September, most of his weekends will be spent at work (sob). So we are just going to watch movies, go to movies, shop...more or less just be together and be in love (I know, go ahead and start the gagging).

Talk to you soon.....

Wednesday, August 07, 2002


You are worth exactly: $2,017,850.00.....according to

Good day.....

Actually talked about my Scottie with the Pit Boss who is sharing a similar experience with me right now. I realized how much I love that guy...and I use "love" in the present tense and not the past tense because I will always love him. I am just so blessed with having him and Jeffy in my life and I don't know what I would do if I lost the both of them. Soooo, Jeffy, be prepared for me to smother you with affection for awhile!

Anyways, work was better, still stressful, but better. I completed the project, or so I thought. I get to work on the tail end of it tomorrow. I also got my desk ALMOST cleaned up and I might actually have time tomorrow to work on my supervisors desk and some appeal letters.

Oh, speaking about the Pit Boss, I made her some salsa tonight and OH MY HELL! I put in three salsa peppers from a friend's garden, two slivers of jalapenos and SHIT! After I finished making it, I about pee'd on myself over how hot it was. It is really good, but the whole thing is HERS!!!! Then I cleaned up and scratched my upper lip and IT IS STILL BURNING! That was about 45 minutes ago!! I am sure she will love it, as she is as bad as Jeffy and Scottie about eating the hot stuff. Jeffy, you want me to make you some?????

Intuition. Insight. Emotions. Feelings.
Take the quiz.

Like there ever was a question......

Tuesday, August 06, 2002


I don't hate him anymore...just angry, disappointed, and hurt.

I think I finally explained to Dylan how emotionally overwhelmed I was and that is why I shut is a horrible defense mechanism I picked up when I was younger. When the emotions become too much, everything halts....flat affect. No emotions, no tears, no screaming, no fluctuations in my voice.....and from where I am sitting it sounds like I am talking in a tunnel and everything is moving in slow motion. It sucks for other people, but it is a place of peace for me. So, that took care of one of our issues.

Work has been insane. I hate a marketing rep who is over one of my accounts and she has decided I am her personal servant. She asked me to send an e-mail to a client today and then after I did HER JOB FOR HER, she proceeded to half-ass thank me for doing and then corrected my spelling! What a fucking cunt!!! Forgive me for my inability to be as perfect as her! Oh, that was just the start of the just proceeded to get worse and worse and worse. I don't think I have ever dropped the F bomb so many times in one day.

You know what sucks most right now? The fact that I am putting how sucky my day was down in my blog and normally by tomorrow morning I would have endless words of encouragement and love from Scottie and then he would send me my early morning IM with "Hi
' the day better today?".....and that is not going to happen ever again. Just to hear his voice one more time........even if it was the evil sigh........

Oh, by the way, are my hero...still......

Sunday, August 04, 2002


Better, but still angry.

The funeral was amazing. I would have only expected all of the people, all of the support, and all of the love to show up in one room as a tribute to that amazing man, Scott. The words that were expressed touched my soul in ways that will continue to reverberate through it for the rest of my life. I walked away remember why I loved him the way that I did. And now I love Jeff even more. To watch Jeff move through the last week with such complete strength and grace has been phenomenal. If I can became half of what Jeff is as a human and as a friend, I will be content. Oh, and I could never tell you how much I love their mom!

After the services, a group of us went to the Rodizio in honor of all of the meat that Scott would never have. After not eating for a full week, I started and could not stop. The comraderie and laughter was the best medicine in the world. It brought me around from a mindless daze that I have been in, unless when kept busy, and the distraction was appreciated.

Then we went to Jerry's for a fun wake in honor of Scott. Lots of liquor, lots of laughter, lots of friendship, and a huge trampoline rounded off the evening. Scott would have appreciated all of the idiocy and love that was endless. The only thing that would have made the evening better would have been his physical presence with us.

So, I believe I am moving on into a better place. Jeffy, I am sorry for the harsh words below and I hope you will be able to forgive me. I unfortunately, have not moved to the place yet where I can say and believe that Scotty loved me but I don't want to hate him anymore. I want to forgive him for I know he was in pain, but that is going to take just a little bit longer. However, your strength and endurance in this is the example that I need and I thank you for allowing me to be a part of this whole experience. I will never be able to accurately tell you how much I love you, just know that I do and it is bigger than the universe.

Oh, and I never thougth I would say this, but thank you Elvis Costello.