Dear Diary Saturday.....

Wow, it has been an amazingly bad week! I have had some major insight on myself and some "clarifying" due to a friend, whom I thank very much. I am stuck. I am back to grieving about two people in my life that I thought I had worked through,yet have discovered I have only placed the hurt deep inside of me because I was not willing to deal with the pain or, this is worse, wanting to let go of their memory due to guilt. Guilt over the kind of friend I was and the kind of friend I should have been. Due to all of this pain, I have been folding myself up, tucking all of the emotions, all of the energy, all of my love, deep inside of me....essentially turning myself off. I have been toxic, especially to myself. In all of this, I have been trying to help others, which probably has done more harm than good. So this weekend, is my weekend. My weekend to sift through the issues in my heart and handle them and to let them go. Not to forget, but to realize that no matter what I think now, things can not be changed. Hmmmm...food for my thought.....
The sad part is that I am too a point right now that I have nothing to give others, so when somebody comes to me with a "Did I do something to make you mad/hurt you?" I can only weakly say, "You did nothing" and leave it at that. I don't have the energy to soothe their pain, to comfort them in their own self made chaos, and I can't say that I don't care about their pain, I just don't want to care about their pain right now. I am here for ME right now.....

Saw "Harry Potter" last night and it was amazing. Had a wonderful dinner with Dylan and then we went window shopping for a little while and then saw the movie. I actually enjoyed it every bit as much as the first one, but it was much more scary. I definatly would not recommend it for children!!

Today I will be decorating the outside of the house for Christmas. If you know me, you know I don't like Christmas. I have been trying and trying for years to enjoy it more and this year will only be slightly different in that respect. I am going to try harder.