Dear Diary Saturday...

I am in more pain than I have been in many, many months. Not physical, just spiritual and emotional, and I don't see an end in sight for awhile. Therefore, if I am crabbier than normal, say horribly mean things, turn and bite when you come close, I apologize in advance. Ignore me, it will go away. The reason for the pain is that we put to sleep the bravest and most adorable creature in the world, an animal who came into this life with more roadblocks in front of him than was necessary. Little Squeaky passed away at 1:30 am this morning thanks to the wonderfully kind and compassionate people at Central Valley Veterinary Clinic.

Squeaky waited for me to come home last night. He ate, we cuddled on my bed, loved and I mothered him...kissed and cooed and kept him warm. He decided to sleep on his own bed and the next thing that happened, without going into so many details, is that he had four seizures that took him away mentally from me, but his body kept fighting. I held him while he seizured, as they were coming so quickly and I wanted him to be safe, loved, warm and hopefully, pass in my arms being surrounded by the same loved I have shown him. Unfortunately, he would not let go of his body. So, my mom and I drove to Central, where they euthanized him, letting me know that he probably was born with a congenital defect that caused the seizure.

I will be okay, please do not worry. I have cried more in the last 9 hours than I even want to speak of, but I know that I did everything right. In his one week with me he has visited the vet twice, has had the most expensive cate food, has had home made cat food, had his own warming bed, stuffed animals, kitty toys and "private" litter box. He was cuddled, cooed to, played with, held while he slept, bottle fed, and most importantly, loved by each and every member of my family and my "extended" family. I know I did everything right and in the end, made the most loving choice. However, I am hurting, I am in pain, and I feel like a worthless soul, just because that is the type of person I am. Regardless of the cause, I blame myself, and will for awhile, even though I know it is irrational. The death of an animal causes me much more pain than anything else because they are such small, unprotected creatures who rely on us to care for them. They are little souls who give love without conditions, even to those people who hurt them, they still love. And for an animal to have everything against him from the moment he entered our realm, just seems incredibly cruel and unfair.

I hate Christmas and it is events like this that remind me, year after year, why I hate Christmas so much. I also can not practice my Craft for a little while as I am not sure how I feel about any Gods or Goddess that can look upon such a sweet and gentle creature as Squeaky was and turn away.
I will be okay.....