Dear Diary Thursday...

It is Thursday, I am here at work, it is already a good morning. My mood is somber, at best. I have had Scott on the brain for a few weeks, okay honestly, when have I NOT had Scott on the brain, and this morning is just a rougher morning than most. On the drive into work, I heard nothing but songs that reminded me of him...I miss him and THAT realization has finally hit me. At least the hatred has gone, which is good.

Have not heard from my sister, that is also a good thing. My attitude about her has mellowed, I am no longer gnashing my teeth when I speak of her, but I also have realized that my relationship with her will never be the same....my choice. I can not allow somebody access to my feelings that treats them like a kicking stone, and she has always done that. I can also not allow a person to be close to me that has an opinion of me that I have no heart and no emotions. If she knew me as well as she thought, she would realize that I carry my heart in my hands and offer it freely to people and that I try and hide my pain and disappointment, when it happens, but I do that out of not wanting to cause the other person pain as well. I know I come across as a really tough person, and I am, but tough people are hurt and cry also....something I have also come to learn through the passing of Scott. So, she will be a "sister" by blood only, no longer a close friend. Should I be upset by this, because I am not??

Also have started intensly studying more about my Craft. Not that I have shared this, but when one discovers that she/he is a Witch, there is an entire process that takes a full YEAR of going through to start practicing the Craft. I was remembering that year because it started out with, "I just want to cast spells, DAMMIT!" And then, with more studying and more praying and more mediating, I learned that there are REASONS you don't get to cast spells that first year....you are not smart enough, not stable enough, and you need to work through your baggage. The reason? You are dealing with putting a lot of energy into the universe, that energy comes back three fold, do you want all of YOUR emotional baggage to come back three fold????? Anyways, the studying has helped me come full circle with a great deal of my emotional pain in the last week...it is amazing what things POP up at you when you need to read them......