Dear Diary Thursday....

I have discovered a very small problem that I have....I am unable to relax. When I get home from work, I can sit down for a maximum of 30 minutes to eat dinner and watch a tv show....sometimes even up to an hours. And that is it. I am not sure when this all happened, when I totally because so out of control with my nerves that I am unable to enjoy time to rest, but I can't. And when I sleep, I toss and turn all night, not really resting. And my dreams wake me every few moments....vivid and horrible. I know I am on my way to complete breakdown due to exhaustion....and I am kinda looking forward to it. I was thinking about all of this while driving in to work this morning, thinking about all of the things that I "have to do" this weekend, when it dawned on me what a co-workers said to me yesterday....."I can't sit still and relax even if given a tranquilizer and my butt was nailed to a chair." And it is true. I need to work on that and change it. I really don't have to do ANYTHING this weekend....the world won't stop, people won't quit breathing, the planet will still continue, if I decide not to clean, do laundry, work in my yard, etc etc etc. I just need to start focusing on me, what my body and psyche are trying to tell me, and take a little time to just stop....and breathe.

I also found out last night that my favorite cousin in the whole world has bladder cancer. It was just diagnosed yesterday, so I really have not had a chance to talk to them as the information has been just to hard on the family right now. However, I am going to stay positive and we are going to get through this as a strong family. If I can get through my Mom getting aoritc aneurysm surgery and my Daddy breaking his neck and then undergoing extensive evasive testing for his heart....and all of us coming out stronger for these trials....I can get my cousins through this as well.